LYRICAL ANALYSIS: LL, LACHEY & LEEK

Russian Ladies Love Cool James

In this edition of Lyrical Analysis, I will scrutinize and dissect new songs by LL Cool J, Nick Lachey, and Young Leek. Here we go.

"Control Myself" - L.L. Cool J feat. Jennifer Lopez

[Jennifer Lopez:]
No me puedo controlar
Aqui con el Señor LL Cool J

This song's spoken introduction exposes Ms. Lopez's lack of familiarity with the Spanish language. Obviously, LL Cool J's name in Spanish should be translated either "LL Fresco J" or "Señoras Aman Fresco Jaime." This is America, J. Lo -- learn to speak Spanish!

Now as for LL Cool J's lines ...

Her top was short and purple
Belly dancing in a circle
When I feel like this
I can't resist
Stop it don't make me hurt you
...
It's hard to control myself

LL seems to cop his own flow from "Going Back to Cali" and rhymes in limericks because he's old school like the Irish.

But when it comes to meaningful lyrics, LL is like the potato famine: great.

In this song, LL bravely confesses his uncontrollable propensity to engage in domestic violence. Notice in the excerpt above how he reveals how it is especially "hard" for him to refrain from "hurting" women, especially when their shirts are "short" and "purple."

So ladies, don't wear a purple sports bra around LL Fresco J ... unless you want to get punched in the face. One cannot expect him to control himself.

* * *

"What's Left of Me" - Nick Lachey

Nick Lachey is attempting to re-launch his solo career with this ditty that features the following lyrics:

... I feel you driving underneath my skin
Like a hunger, like a burning,
To find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken, and I'm faded,
I'm half the man I thought I would be.
But you can have what's left of me.

While some believe this song to be about leprosy, Mr. Lachey is actually detailing his losing battle with scabies.

The "burning" which is "underneath [his] skin" is a thinly-veiled reference to an ectoparasitic skin infection. Upon reading these lyrics, one can readily diagnose that the female mite, or Sarcoptes Scabiei, has tunneled into the stratum corneum of his genitals, which explains why he is only "half" a man.

The chorus is his final act of selfless love, in which he offers the remaining unscarred portions of his manhood to the other chicken in the sea.

* * *

"Jiggle It" - Young Leek

Young Leek, whose name is synonymous with juvenile bed-wetting, has released this catchy dance song that includes the following verse:

I'm a young dude but you know I'm street smart
I had this girl, she was sweet just like a SweetTart
If you see me in the club, you know I'm not a retard
I'm young, fly and flashy, and that's what you thought

Can you handle his complex poetic craft?

In the first line, Mr. Leek juxtaposes his contradictory personal traits. On the one hand, he is "a young dude," but we are surprised to learn that he is also "street smart." While our society generalizes only elderly women to be "street smart," Mr. Leek 'flips the script,' as they say in convalescent homes.

Lil' Leek manages to tap into our collective subconscious, which understands that he cannot possibly be "a retard" because he is "young, fly, and flashy." Indeed, most retards are old and dull.

Mr. Leek is not satisfied by describing his girl as simply "sweet." Rather, she is "sweet just like a SweetTart," meaning that she is tangy, mouth-puckering, and comes in variations like chewable and giant.

I have not heard such a brilliant candy-related simile since T.S. Eliot's poem, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, in which Prufrock commands his confidante to "shake dat laffy taffy."

* * *

Until next time, let us all jiggle it.

--Junichi