LESSONS LEARNED

Do not light a match anywhere near this restaurant.

Twelve lessons I learned in the last month:

1. Before stealing a $320,000 Porsche from the dealership and driving it through the glass doors of the showroom, make sure the vehicle has enough gas in the tank to drive more than one mile.


2. If you fail to adhere to lesson #1 above, you can always fill a canister of gas, find the impounded Porsche at the police station, and steal the same vehicle for a second time.


3. You can not use the fact that a grocery store is having an awesome sale as an excuse for leaving your baby in a hot car or a defense to felony child neglect.


4. You cannot pay your parking ticket with dog feces.


5. If you want real Chinese food, you should go to China, because you're not getting it here in America.


6. If you are a man convicted for sexual assaulting a 13-year-old girl, you can be spared a prison sentence based on your height, assuming you are only 5'1" tall.


7. Do not shove a man on a plane or the FBI will be involved -- even if the man you shove is Clay Aiken and he was putting his feet on your armrest.


8. Do not get your hopes up about naming your child "4real" because the government may prevent you from doing so.


9. In Italy, you should follow popular custom by giving a female high school graduate a breast enlargement as a gift.


10. Speaking of plastic, don't complain to the police when a store clerk seizes your credit cards when your cards are counterfeit.


11. If you don't want to be one of the many women making less than men, don't choose the wrong college major.


12. When a sarcastic voiceover is dubbed over a product demonstration video for the Wii Fit, it can make the original product look pretty stupid.

--Junichi