LIVE-BLOGGING THE CAL-USC GAME

How do you make a USC cheerleader laugh on Saturday?
You tell her a joke on Tuesday.

Once potential national championship contenders, California and USC have largely flubbed their chances at being invited to anything more exciting than the 2000 Flushes Toilet Bowl.

But given all the smack I've talked, I still consider this clash the real Big Game of the year. Since O-Deezy and I are both proud Cal alums, I've decided to live-blog this puppy. Here we go.

• 5 pm - Game is about to start. It's raining in the Yay, which I'm thinking should help Cal since, to quote, Tony! Toni! Toné!, it never rains in Southern California. So anyway, let's get down! And, it feels good! And, it's our anniversary! Ok, I've run out of Tony! Toni! Toné! lyrics to reference.
  


• 5:18 pm - So far, nothing too exciting other than I've realized today's QB matchup is Booty against Longshore, which is probably also the name of a porn film.
  


• 5:27 pm - Cal's throwback helmet looks like a stunt double for a Green Bay Packers helmet. Oh wait, what's this? ESPN is announcing a Taco Bell update! Be still my beating heart because ... oh, crap. The announcement has nothing to do with Taco Bell. For a second, I thought they had truly thought oustide the bun and accepted my proposal for a nacho cheese chalupa smoothie.
  


• 5:35 pm - Cal touchdown! 7-0, Cal. Yeeeah! I just dumped some Gatorade on my mom, who, in retaliation, just grounded me.
  


• 5:39 pm - ESPN is showing images of some Berkeley students living in some trees, which isn't helping the stereotype that Cal students love living in trees, which isn't a stereotype. I still have hemorrhoids from years of wiping with pine needles.
  


• 5:41 pm - USC touchdown. 7-7. The Cal defense looks distracted. I wonder if the daily anti-nuclear, pro-marijuana Berkeley protest/orgy is happening right now on Tightwad Hill.

• 6:00 pm - Ugh. I can hear that annoying USC fight song, which is this dirge that sounds like the soundtrack to a holocaust parade.
  

• 6:03 pm - USC has a guy with the last name Woidneck, which must be a tough name to have, especially if he's from the Bronx and his neck is really wide. Is it obvious yet that I am not competent to make any real sports-related observations?

• 6:05 pm - Cal field goal! 10-7, Cal. Thank you, Jordan Kay, excellent Cal kicker and former member of the New Kids on the Block. Wait! USC has a guy named Joey McKnight. Isn't he also a member of NKOTB? Is Donnie Wahlberg playing, too? Man, these guys are hangin' tough.

• 6:18 pm - USC touchdown. 14-10, USC. Excellent jumping and running by Chauncey Washington. ESPN is giving camera time to a trio of Asian USC guys celebrating in the stands. They look ridiculous; everyone knows there were never any Oriental Trojans
  

• 6:31 pm - Some large lunk in the stands has an actual Trojan helmet, which clearly was not made to fit people with a head larger than the average U$¢ student's trust fund. Halftime.
  

• 6:45 pm - My friend Chewy thinks Jeff Tedford looks like John Wayne and that we can't possibly lose with the Duke leading our team. Problem: Didn't Tedford look like John Wayne when Cal lost to UCLA, Oregon State, and Arizona State?

• 7:00 pm - This game seems to be rather lopsided. Why does the USC offense have nineteen men on the field, while Cal's defense clearly only consists of six guys? It's not fair. Cal should recruit a few more fellas to play D.
  


• 7:05 pm - Nice tackle by Mika Kane, one of the many Polynesian Bears. I enjoy all the curly black hair flowing out of the back of his helmet. Or is that a labradoodle stuck in there?

• 7:14 pm - Let's get ready to fuuuummmble! Cal just denied USC an easy touchdown. Cal now has the ball and ... a Cal fumble. Shucks. USC has the ball again. USC field goal. 17-10, USC. That anti-Michael Bolton, anti-Tiffany Ford commercial is almost cheering me up.
  

• 7:46 pm - At last! Lavelle Hawkins catches a beautiful throw in the end zone. Both teams tied at 17. Cal scored when I was scratching my head. If I stop scratching my head, they'll probably lose. So I'm going to keep scratching my head for the duration of the game, which is fine, since I think I might have a light case of lice.

• 7:57 pm - USC fumbles! The ESPN commentators keep saying, "Booty loses it" and "the Booty fumble," which are catchphrases that I'm going to use more often in my everyday life.
  

• 8:08 pm - USC touchdown. 24-17, USC. That touchdown was totally my fault. I stopped scratching my head for a few seconds -- my scalp was starting to bleed, but I acknowledge that it's a poor excuse when so much was at stake. Sorry.

• 8:35 pm - USC wins. Game is over. Painful. I just gouged out my eyes with a spork to try to stop the tears.
  

--Junichi