6000 WORDS

Some lasting images from the year (courtesy of the Boston Globe's "Big Picture"):

--O.W.

THE YEAR IN MUSIC, 2008

(from l-r, Alton Ellis, Edwin Starr, Labi Siffre, The Impressions
Joe Bataan, Stevie Wonder, the Watts 103rd St. Rhythm Band
Bobby Matos, Nina Simone, Marvin Gaye, Skye 7")

(This post began life on Side Dishes and has "evolved" since).

I had a strange realization the other week: 2008 might be the first year where I spent more time listening to older music than new music. This hasn't been out of nowhere - it's been a long-term shift but it hit me, when I was trying to come up with the standard "Top 10" list that I'm not even sure if I actually listened to 10 new albums in '08.

Not just that: even the new music I did like tended to overwhelmingly be music that sounded like it was from another era - Raphael Saadiq, Solange Knowles, Mayer Hawthorne, etc. For real - if there was one big presence in my 2008 year-in-review, it was Motown! Not only do quite a few Motown artists fill up my "old music I discovered this year list," amongst the new artists, several of them ride off the Motown sound and one of them (Q-Tip) is actually signed to Motown.
I turned 36 this year but why do I feel like my tastes are that of a 66 year old?

On one hand, your tastes are your tastes and if that's the direction I'm leaning, maybe I should just shrug and enjoy it. I don't have the professional pressure to have to stay as current as my colleagues do but as I said last year, I also don't want to be a born-again baby boomer (even though my fascinating with the 1960s has only grown this past year).

So here's my New Year's Resolution For 2009: I shall listen to more new music and ideally, not new music that sounds like old music. (We'll check back a year from now and see where I'm at).

This all said, here's Part 1 of my year-in-review, beginning with old music I (re)discovered.

Edwin Starr: Running Back and Forth
From War & Peace (Gordy, 1970)

I get music recommendations from all sorts but no one is more influential than my friend Hua who has probably put me up on more of my more recent "new favorite songs" than any other single source I know. It helps that he has kick ass taste as well as a circle of friends in NY who have equally good taste and so I get some of these recommendation second, even third hand but heck - I ain't too proud!

Case in point: this lesser known single off Starr's big selling War and Peace album. It's easy enough to forget that there was any other songs from that LP given how successful and iconic the "War" single became but when I first heard "Running Back and Forth," I had a proverbial jaw-drop over how good it was and that it'd be from the same album. This song oozes with classic Motown production strengths of its era (RIP Norman Whitfield!), especially in its brass and the driving push of the sound bed. Seriously, try to piece apart all the little bits of the music; it is dense yet comes off sounding clean and simple. In contrast to Starr's forceful polemicizing on "War," here, he's in classic love man mode, trying to kick some game. (Bonus points for the Sam Cooke nod on the bridge).

Labi Siffre: A Little More Line
From S/T (Pye, 1970)

This British singer, songwriter and poet has a voice you can't soon forget - it's not the most powerful, nor the most dynamic - but it is so distinctive and soothing, it stays with you long after the song's end. I especially love how this song builds from an almost hymnal opening only to swell in size and sound with the string orchestration and some killer work on the drums. Siffre's entire catalog from the '70s is classic material (even if many of you probably have never heard of him). This was from his debut album and it's just as good of a place to start as any to enjoy his gifts.

Alton Ellis: What Does It Take To Win Your Love
From Sunday Coming (Coxsone, 1971)

There is something humbling discovering this song the year of Ellis' death. My awareness of him preceded his passing but I had been giving Ellis' cover of Jr. Walker's hit much spin in the first part of the year that when Ellis passed away in October, I found myself coming back to his catalog again and again. Ellis was arguably reggae's finest soul man, not just with his covers but also original compositions.

The Impressions: I'm Loving Nothing
From This Is My Country (Curtom, 1968)

In a year of Obama's ascendency, there are no doubt more apropos songs from the Impressions' catalog but the song of theirs that will haunt me is "I'm Loving Nothing." Its beauty seems almost profane given that this is all about the death of love. Not something you'd want as a first dance at your wedding but doesn't it sound like an embrace rather than slow turn away?

Bonnie and Shelia: You Keep Me Hanging On
From 7" (King, 1971). Also on New Orleans Funk Vol. 2.

King is best known as the home of James Brown for many of his pivotal funk productions of the late 60s but at least for this single, the Cincinnati-based label picked up a slice of NOLA funk thanks to this excellently produced tune from Wardell Quezerque. One of my new favorite femme funk tracks, "You Keep Me Hanging On" reminds me a lot of the snap and sass of Jean Knight's "Mr. Big Stuff." Hang with it.

Ray Barretto: Pastime Paradise (Good Parts Edit)
From La Cuna (CTI, 1981)

Gotta thank my man Rani D for hepping me to this Barretto song. As big of a fan I am of the late master's work, I had never listened to anything he did past the early '70s and I was mightily drawn to how good this cover of Stevie Wonder's song is. The sound of this song is just so gorgeous, especially the first few minutes but I did have to admit I wasn't quite as enamored with the vocals...and cheesy sex...and bad, Santana-wannabe rock guitar. So I just cut all that out and left you with a 1/3rd length "best of" edit from the song. Like Bobby B. - it's my prerogative.

Joe Bataan: Ordinary Guy (7" version)
From 7" (Fania, 1967)

"Ordinary Guy" has been Joe Bataan's enduring hit for over 40 years but this version, which only appeared on 7" single, isn't well known and when I first heard it, I was instantly enamored. It's not entirely clear what Fania's thinking was but they brought in pianist Richard Tee to give the song a a subtle new dynamic, most obviously heard in how different the new intro is. Tee's piano has a strong presence, especially with an arrangement that sounds very much like the beginning of Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell's "Precious Love." This is probably my favorite version of the song, precisely for that intro which gives the tune such a rich, soulful feel to it.

Bobby Matos: Nadie Baila Como Yo
From My Latin Soul (Phillips, 1968)

I've owned Bobby Matos and Combo Conquistadores' incredible My Latin Soul album for years, but I had somehow totally overlooked the incredible charm of "Nadie Baila Como Yo" (nobody dances like me). It wasn't until I heard the Boogaloo Assassins play it at their shows that I was reminded of how damn good it is; it's since become, easily, one of my favorite Latin songs ever. Love how it changes up from a guanguanco into a son montuno and has those beautiful keyboard chords anchoring.

Skye: Ain't No Need (Unity Mix)
From 7" (Ananda, 1976)

When I was out in New York earlier this year, Jared at Big City Records slipped a reissue of this 45 into my hand and I was hooked (and then later, managed to procure an original from the Groove Merchant). Sometimes all you need is a good groove and this obscure disco single from the mid-70s delivers a one helluva great groove that just goes on and on and on. Under other circumstances, I'd find the whole thing repetitious but somehow, I don't tire of it. Ever. (I created this "Unity Mix" which combines the original mix and disco mix in a simple edit).

Stevie Wonder: Send Me Some Lovin'
From I Was Made to Love Her (Motown, 1967)

Heck, I could have filled this list with Stevie Wonder songs I've been rediscovering but "Send Me Some Lovin'" has stood in front of that line. I love the small touches of funk to the arrangement, especially those pianos at the very beginning. This has a fantastic groove to it and you put Stevie's distinctive vocals on top of that and you have an unbeatable combination.

Songs that are technically new (i.e. that just came out) but are based on older recordings:

Charles Wright and the Watts 103rd St. Rhythm Band: Express Yourself (alternate version)
From Puckey Puckey: Jams and Outtakes, 1970-71 (Rhino Handmade, 2008)

This was a real gem from the Puckey Puckey anthology that I wrote the liner notes for. It's a completely alternate recording of the Watts 103rd's big hit, "Express Yourself." Compared to the original, this one is far more languid, like the group was nearing the end of their recording day and just wanted to something to chill out to, maybe smoke a bowl to (as they were known to).

Final Solution: I Don't Care
From Brotherman (Numero Group, 2008)

Provided - their name was terrible. No one wants to think of the Holocaust while groovin' to sweet soul - but even if the Chicago band formerly known as the Kaldirons probably could have chosen a better name for themselves, at least the music speaks for itself. The album - a soundtrack for a blaxploitation film never made - has an interesting backstory all its own but for now, all you need to know is how damn good "I Don't Care" is. Especially when paired with that melancholy but heavy guitar melody by newcomer Carl Wolfolk, there's something sublime about how the group's falsetto voices come coasting in on top of the track. It's a mix of slow-building drama with an angelic set of voices, lending a gospel-like quality to the music's otherwise dark undertones.

Marvin Gaye: What's Going On (DJ Day Edit)
From 7" single (MPM, 2008)

This single just came out a week or so ago and it finds California's DJ Day reworking an alternative version of Marvin Gaye's classic "What's Going On" in a way so clean and organic that even Motown fanatics would swear it was a lost tape from the label's vaults. I don't know why it sounds so perfect with the season but there's something warm and comforting about this that makes you want to wrap yourself in it.

Nina Simone: Gimme Some (Mike Mangini Remix)
V/A: Verve Remixed 4 (Verve, 2008)

Frankly, this song had three killer remixes that I found almost equally commendable including Diplo's remix of Marlena Shaw's "California Soul" and the smoky Chris Shaw remix of Sarah Vaughn's "Tea For Two". But if I had to pick amongst that trio, this Nina Simone reworking took the slimmest of leads, possibly because it's so damn happy (which is not an adjective I often associate with Her High Priestess. Seriously though, this whole album is nice.

Honorable Mentions:
1. Patti Drew: Stop and Listen
2. Joubert Singers: Stand On the Word
3. Ceil Miner: Stardust
4. Aaron Neville: She Took You For a Ride
5. New Holidays: Maybe So, Maybe No
6. Nick and Valerie: I'll Find You
7. Pedrito Ramirez y su Combo: Micaela
8. Bobby Reed: The Time is Right
9. Smokey Robinson and the Miracles: If You Can Want
10. Tammi Terrell: What a Good Man He Is

PART 2: NEW(ISH) MUSIC


(from l-r: Alicia Keys, Estelle, Cool Kids, Lil Wayne
Chico Mann, Menahan St. Band, Q-Tip
Robin Thicke, Solange Knowles, Mayer Hawthorne, Raphael Saadiq)
As I just noted, my tastes in 2008 were decidedly retro. Even the new songs I liked still sounded like they were recorded in 1968. But I'm not going to artificially stack my list below to make it seem like I wasn't stuck in some weird throwback mode for most of the year. Here's my favorite new songs of the year:

Solange Knowles: I Decided
From Sol-Angel and the Hadley St. Dreams (Geffen, 2008)

When I first heard this in early summer, I kept thinking, "it's got the build-up of a Supremes song but then never delivers. The Neptunes' beat just felt weird as a result and I initially dismissed it. Yet, each time I'd hear it, I'd just want to keep listening longer, maybe subconsciously waiting for the "real" beat to drop, but whatever the case, I soon enjoyed it for what it was - infectious pop in the best tradition of Ross and her Supremes. This was, much to my surprise, my favorite pop single of the year.

Estelle: No Substitute Love
From Shine (Atlantic, 2008)

Of course, Solange was hardly the only femme getting her retro-twist on. Besides her, there was also Little Jackie and Estelle, whose Shine album was one of my favorite of the year (see below). I had a hard time choosing which of her various songs were my favorite - I guess I could just have easily gone with the ragga-fied "Magnificent" or the swinging, uptempo "Pretty Please" (produced by Jack Splash, aka my new favorite producer). But "No Substitute Love" (produced by Wyclef) lingers a touch longer in the ear for some reason - it's really all about the hook and the way Estelle pulls her notes out and milks those long vowels.

Q-Tip: Getting Up
From The Renaissance (Motown, 2008)

Not that I haven't already written enough about Q-Tip this year but I'm still marveling at how good a comeback he's made. It's one thing to want to champion an artist, it's another thing when they exceed your expectations. Q-Tip's return was set off by the excellence of this first single that told you some of his ol' magic was back.

The Cool Kids: 88
From The Bake Sale EP (Chocolate Industries, 2008)

Rappers for the hypebeast generation, I like the Cool Kids even if I have little interest/love for their hyper-hipster consumerism. But hey, I'm not that into the crack trade either and that never stopped me from enjoying rappers who only seem to rhyme about Pyrex and fish scales. In the end, pair two decent flows and production that sounds like Magic Mike-meets-Rick Rubin-meets-Salih Williams and that's a good combination.

Raphael Saadiq: Seven
From The Way I See It (FYE Exclusive) (Columbia, 2008)

For all my reservations, I still think Saadiq pulled off one of the best crafted albums of the year, bringing together a masterful blend of '60s soul styles onto one album. However, my favorite song of his this year was actually a bonus cut from the "FYE exclusive" version (who the hell is FYE?): "Seven." I was told that this song is actually a veiled reference to Michael Vick (#7) and if you listen to the lyrics with that in mind, you can hear it. Even without that weird, pop culture nod though, I like how everything on this song comes together: the reverb on the melancholy guitars, the tap of the tambourine, and most of all, that synthesizer that comes in on the chorus with its buzzy texture. (Thanks to Eric L. for the hook-up).

Chico Mann : Dilo Como Yo
From Analogue Drift (forthcoming)

Captain Planet: Boogaloo
From Jazz Loves Dub (Rudiments, 2008)

My DJ partner, Murphy's Law, put me up on both of these by playing them at Boogaloo[la]. Of course, one could cite nepotism in the case of Captain Planet's tune since the two of them are brothers but hey, family relations aside, "Boogaloo" is a great, catchy instrumental that moves with a snappy step and some deft drum programming (love the fill that takes the song out of the bridges). Likewise, the yet-to-be-officially-released "Dilo Como Yo" ("as I say") has a slick Afro-flavored rhythm section and speaks the universal language of tooty-synthesizers.

Menahan Street Band: Home Again!
From Make the Road By Walking (Dunham, 2008)

Funk instrumental albums are a relatively rare breed but Brooklyn's Menahan Street Band pulled off one of the slickest albums in that vein this side of the James Brown Band circa Popcorn. Off that, I couldn't stop listening to "Home Again!" which has this beautifully laid-back feel thanks to the mellow guitar and horn section. Not sure why they put a ! on the title of such a languid composition but I'm more than happy to shout its praises.

Lil Wayne: Let the Beat Build
From The Carter III (Cash Money, 2008)

I still think Carter II was the better album but hey, I'm not going to begrudge Wayne his success this year (the record industry needed some good news). But even if Carter III didn't quite exceed expectations, Wayne still came with some killer cuts. "A Milli" made a huge impact but the song that I kept coming back to was "Let the Beat Build." What can I say? Gospel-tinged vocals + Wayne's verses + slowly evolving beat = untouchable. So sick it gave birth to ill twins (see Honorable Mentions below).

Mayer Hawthorne and the County: Just Ain't Gonna Work Out
From 7" single (Stones Throw, 2008)

This Detroit native turned L.A. transplant takes Allen Toussaint's drums and lays it under a simple but catchy melody and then unleashes that soulful falsetto to get the groove right. Heartbreak rarely sounded so achingly sweet.

Erykah Badu: Honey (DJ Day Remix)
From 7" (Day1, 2008)

Take one of the best songs from one of year's best albums and then give it a fantastically smart and intuitive remix and you get this. In hindsight, it probably seems obvious to remake Badu's "Honey" with Delegation's "Ooh Honey," but Day gives the pairing a natural depth (something he excels in as heard previously in that Marvin Gaye edit) that, dare I say, makes his remix sound better than the original.

Robin Thicke: Ms. Harmony
From Something Else (Interscope, 2008)

As I wrote in the L.A. Weekly, Thicke's sweetest confection off his third album was “Ms. Harmony,” a bossa nova-flavored blend of dreamy guitar melodies, Latin percussion and Thicke’s own, mojito-cool vocals. I don't much more to add except to say that I've been playing this as an "end of the night" song for parties and my, my, my, does it work nicely.

STUFF THAT'S RELATIVELY RECENT BUT I ONLY DISCOVERED THIS YEAR:

Alicia Keys: Teenage Love Affair
From As I Am (J Records, 2007)

I know this album came out in 2007 but, um, I just started to listening to it this past week and "Teenage Love Affair" has been on constant rotation since. Single-song-repeat rotation. Part of why I'm so taken by it is how Jack Splash juices up the loop from the Temprees and gives Keys' tune such a richness and catchy drive. The other half is how Keys handles this song with just the right blend of burgeoning sexuality and chaste coquettish-ness. I think I have a school boy crush on "Teenage Love Affair."

Quantic and Nicodemus: Mi Swing Es Tropical
From Ritmo Tropical EP (Tru Thoughts, 2005). Also on Shapes.

Like the Ray Barretto I wrote up on Part 1, I owe my discovery of this to Rani D. I love both songs for the same reason: electric piano + Afro-Latin sabor = unbeatable combination. That and, on this song, Nicodemus' vocals lend a gruff contrast to the soothing sweetness of the melody. I can't believe I never heard this until this past year since I'm a big fan of Quantic. This is easily my favorite track of all his tunes.

Honorable Mentions:
1. Busta Rhymes: Don't Touch Me
2. Freeway: Let the Heat Spill freestyle
3. Lauren Flax: You've Changed
4. Al Green: All I Need
5. J-Live: The Upgrade
6. Johnson and Jonson: The Only Way
7. Little Jackie: 28 Butts
8. Lone Catalysts: Make It Better
9. Roots: Rising Down
10. Usher: In This Club

---

If-I-Had-To-Come-Up-With-A-Top-10-Albums-List List:

1. Erykah Badu: New Amerykah, Pt. 1: 4th World War
2. Cool Kids: The Bake Sale EP
3. Estelle: Shine
4. Final Solution: Brotherman OST
5. Kanye West: 808s and Heartbreaks
6. Q-Tip: The Renaissance
7. Raphael Saadiq: The Way I See It
8. LIl Wayne: The Carter III
9. Menahan Street Band: Make the Road By Walking
10. V/A: Verve Remixed 4

--O.W.

WHY CAN'T AZNS GET ALONG?

While I find it hard to approve of such wholesale deployment of stereotypes (not to mention excessive use of the other f-word), even I had to guffaw aloud at some of the punchlines here, e.g. rhyming "dry cleaner" with "wife beater").

No doubt, there some Movement-era folk looking upon this thinking, "I marched on Sproul...for this?"

Thanks to Todd Inoue.

--O.W.

BEST QUOTES OF 2008

Yet again, staying true to my OCD, I wrote down all the unbelievable, outrageous, inspiring, insipid, bewildering, or hilarious statements made this calendar year. Enjoy. - JPS


"It is the best summary of his presidency, which is: everything looks perfect from his point of view."
- MSNBC's Keith Olbermann, remarking on the photo above of President Bush waving the flag backwards at the 2008 Olympics in Beijing


"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."
- President George W. Bush


"Victims of stalking are not alone."
- Texas First Lady Anita Perry, at a press conference announcing the creation of a statewide “Stalking Awareness Month”


"Some people are saying McCain chose Sarah Palin to appeal to women who supported Hillary Clinton. ... This is crazy. You can't just replace Hillary Clinton with another woman and think it'll be okay. Bill Clinton has tried that and it did not go well."
- Craig Ferguson, on The Late Late Show


"We live in a capitalist society. Why shouldn't I be allowed to capitalize on my virginity?"
- Natalie Dylan, a Sac State graduate in women's studies, who is offering herself in an online auction to raise graduate-school tuition money


"I don't even believe in conflict diamonds. That's just a movie. Think about it. Ain't nobody thought about nothing about no conflict diamonds until the movie came out. Where was all that shit before the movie? That's the problem with people - they believe everything they read or see on TV. It's no different from The Blair Witch Project."
- Akon (Source) (Credit: Derek W.)


"Stand up, Chuck, let 'em see ya."
– Sen. Joe Biden, to Missouri state Senator Chuck Graham, who uses a wheelchair


"Now what's the difference between first and last place? Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes."
- Shaquille O'Neal, freestyling in a club, in a video widely circulated on the Internet, after the Lakers lost the championship


"I want his two badges back. Because if any one of my deputies did something like this, they’re fired."
- Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, explaining that he was revoking Shaquille O'Neal's special deputy's badge in Maricopa County because of the freestyle video mentioned in the previous quote

Click to view NSFW version

"I'm trying to have a little sense of humor about it, but there's a serious side of it, too, because with the kids. You don't want any kids seeing that."
- Vikings Tight End Visanthe Shiancoe, reacting to the fact that his penis was accidentally aired on FOX during a televised presentation in the Minnesota locker room


"To say that ['The Love Guru'] is not funny is merely to affirm the obvious. The word 'unfunny' surely applies to Mr. Myers’s obnoxious attempts to find mirth in physical and cultural differences but does not quite capture the strenuous unpleasantness of his performance. No, 'The Love Guru' is downright antifunny, an experience that makes you wonder if you will ever laugh again.
- A. O. Scott, in his New York Times review


"Studies show that no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted more than, you know, a few decades. ... I honestly think it's the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism and Islam, which I think is a great threat. ... They're going after our young children as young as two years of age to try to teach them that the homosexual lifestyle is an acceptable lifestyle."
- Oklahoma Republican State Rep. Sally Kern, who stands by her comments


"My understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer."
- David Mamet, on Jeremy Piven's departure from the Broadway revival of Mamet's Speed-the-Plow, allegedly because of elevated levels of mercury in Piven's body


"Why is it every time a black man in this country gets too good at something, there's always someone coming around to remind us he's black. First it was Tiger. Then Donovan McNabb. Then me. And now Barack. I got a theory about that. It's a little complicated but basically it goes like this: We are a racist country. The end."
- Tracy Morgan, on Saturday Night Live

"This is from the widows, the orphans, and those who were killed in Iraq."
- Journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi, who hurled both of his shoes at President Bush during a press conference in Iraq


"You are better off being homeless than being me."
- Britney Spears, to a stranger on the street


"See, Barack's been talking down to black people on this faith-based...I want to cut his nuts off."
- Rev. Jesse Jackson


"I need to know if she really thinks dinosaurs were here 4,000 years ago ... because she's going to have the nuclear codes."
- Matt Damon, on Sarah Palin, whose ascent he compared to a "bad Disney movie"


"It can never be bad to have a foundation as a man - a black man - in a time when women are dying for men. Women have started to become lovers of each other as a result of not having enough men. Are you not studying the stories? Wake up! Black love is a good thing."
- Usher, in an interview with Vibe Magazine


"I'm pretty sure there will be duck-hunting in heaven and I can't wait!"
- Gov. Mike Huckabee, in a speech to the NRA


"Only the lobbyists."
- New York Governor David Paterson, responding to a question about whether he, like Eliot Spitzer, had ever patronized a prostitute

"I should say if anybody wants to tape my conversations, go right ahead, feel free to do it. ... I can tell you that whatever I say is always lawful."
- Gov. Rod Blagojevich, the day before he was arrested based on evidence acquired in taped conversations


"You shoot at men who are fathers: war is completely stupid."
- Lazare Ponticelli, France's last surviving WWI vet, shortly before he died


"As long as there's a demand for gangsta rap, it will be supplied."
- T.I., at a Silence-The-Violence Panel


"I wonder if Bush's ass is kosher."
- Jon Stewart, after a medley of clips of Israel's Olmert complimenting President Bush, on The Daily Show


"Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter."
- President George W. Bush at the G-8 Summit, as he punched the air and grinned widely


"There was an energy bill on the floor of the Senate loaded down with goodies, billions for the oil companies, and it was sponsored by Bush and Cheney. You know who voted for it? You might never know. That one."
- Sen. John McCain, pointing to Barack Obama, during the second presidential debate


"For once in my life, when I say these words, 'I love you,' I really mean it."
- Ronald, Amazing Race finalist, to his daughter Christina


"Unfortunately, I have to follow the law."
- Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne, on being forced to list polar bear as a threatened species


"I tried [to kill myself], went to sleep in my mom's car in the garage with the engine turned on. ... Freakin' hybrids, man. They just don't do the trick anymore."
- Eric Cartman, on South Park, explaining why his suicide attempt failed

"Isn't there a saliva type prostate exam?
- Deion Sanders, resisting the finger, on Deion & Pilar: Prime Time Love


"Is it really so easy to determine that smacking someone in the face to find out where he has hidden the bomb that is about to blow up Los Angeles is prohibited under the Constitution?"
- Justice Scalia, in an interview with the BBC


"I did learn something interesting [while at the Atlanta airport]. You have to be a member of the TSA in order to legally perform a cavity search. My apologies to the staff of Cinnabon, but you guys should really keep that extra frosting where the customers can find it."
—Stephen Colbert on The Colbert Report


"[Sarah Palin] is as off-putting and gross as a pageant contestant but without the desire for world peace."
- Sarah Silverman, on MSNBC's Countdown


"They seem like public property."
- Dolly Parton, discussing her breasts


"Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech!"
- President George W. Bush to Pope Benedict at the White House


"Star Jones is now being called a 'cougar' because she's reportedly dating a much younger man. Star is also being called a cougar because she likes to hunt, kill and eat raw meat."
- Conan O'Brien


"I've now been in 57 states. I think one left to go."
- Sen. Barack Obama, at a campaign event in Beaverton, Oregon


"I want to give a shout-out to all my Saudi Arabian brothers and sisters. If you could all please send me some oil for my jet, I would truly appreciate it."
- Diddy

"Clearly, the picture shows a hand casting a rod."
- Meagan Mitchell, spokesperson for Vice President Dick Cheney, in response to speculation that the White House picture above showed a naked woman reflected in Cheney's sunglasses


"One plastic surgeon has written a book, My Beautiful Mommy. This book is to help kids cope with their parents' cosmetic surgery. It is a lot more sensitive than the previous children's book on the subject, Heather's Mommy Has Two Expressions."
- Stephen Colbert on The Colbert Report


"My concern has been the atrocities there in Darfur and the relevance to me with that issue as we spoke about Africa and some of the countries there that were kind of the people succumbing to the dictators and the corruption of some collapsed governments on the continent, the relevance was Alaska’s investment in Darfur with some of our permanent fund dollars."
- Gov. Sarah Palin, uttering a sentence that is unable to be diagrammed


"The most qualified? No! I think they went for this, excuse me, political bulls**t about narratives."
- Peggy Noonan, former Reagan speechwriter, caught on air on MSNBC during a commercial break dissing Sarah Palin as the VP pick


"All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years."
- Gov. Sarah Palin, unable to name a single newspaper or magazine she reads, in an interview with Katie Couric


"It's moist, it's a wetland, it's a place where people come for fun. And when things go south, forget about it, shut it down."
- Jane Fonda, on the Today Show, explaining why New Orleans is the vagina of America

and finally, the censored quote of the year...

"You know, Meredith, I was too depressed after the 2004 election to remember any of this stuff."
- Junichi P Semitsu, contestant on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, explaining why he couldn't recall the answer to a $50,000 question about the number of voters in the 2004 election. That comment was edited out of the televised broadcast.

--Junichi

LAME DUCKING

You know your approval ratings are low when the secret service won't even take a shoe for you, much less a bullet.

*

I love how all the articles about this incident explain the context with a sentence like, "Hitting someone with a shoe is a deep insult in the Arab world."

Is there a country where throwing a shoe at someone is a sign of affection or arousal?

*

Sadly, this might be George W. Bush's finest moment.

First, he gave the Iraqis a true hero: Muntader al-Zaidi will probably have thousands of children named after him.

Second, he has helped Americans to be more liked in the Arab world. Undoubtedly, any moment now, many Americans will begin mailing their shoes to the White House. (The address is 1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington, DC 20500 for those of you who are putting your kicks into a box right now.)

Third, he demonstrated his quick thinking and physical agility. He avoided not one but two flying shoes.

My dad is a ninja and sometimes even he gets hit with the occasional flying boot.

*

Thank goodness nobody got hurt. Otherwise, we would need licenses to carry shoes and animated GIFs like these would be practically illegal:

--Junichi

MESMERIZED BY "THE ROOM"

don't say we didn't warn you

Normally, I'm not into bad movies for the sake of bad movies - I never was an Ed Wood fan or followed Mystery Science Theater 3000. However, I was reading EW's recent feature about the 2003 film, The Room by writer/director/producer/actor Tommy Wiseu and it just sounded too good (or, er, bad) not to check out. I first started with this trailer and by that point, I was game:



So then I managed to, ahem, "acquire" it. And then watched it with my wife (who is even less into "bad movies for the sake of badness" than I am).

It was completely mesmerizing. As Sharon put it, it was "so fascinating because it was so bizarre" whereas I kept going back to this quote from the EW article: "It's not like there's one or two or three things that are bad about it. There are several hundred."

That's not an exaggeration. Every scene in the film has something completely off with it - the script, the acting, the timing of the dialogue, subplots that go absolutely nowhere, characters who make no sense, etc.

It's as if a plane crashed into a train which then demolished a bridge and then the debris fell onto a nuclear reactor which then blew up. But instead of being tragic, it's completely awesome.

For those of you who manage to track down a copy (it's available on DVD and "circulating" online elsewhere), I highly recommend group viewings - this was meant to be shared. Like love. Or chocolate. Or lice...whatever.

Just see this.

Here are a few inside jokes to whet your appetite:

*Rose petals
*Denny
*"The tests came back."
*"Let's throw the ball around."
*San Francisco skylines.
*Tuxedos.
*Buying flowers.
*Chocolates.

--O.W.

FORGET ALL THE NONSENSE: THIS IS THE SONG OF THE YEAR

Blackout Crew: Put a Donk On It

Oh yeah baby.

--O.W.

TOO MUCH FOREIGN FLAVOR

why it pays to read the fine print

"Chinese 'classical poem' was brothel ad"

This is like the publication equivalent of getting drunken kanji tattoos.

--O.W.

BEST SONGS OF 2008

Once again, I've humbly assembled my list of what I consider to be the Top 100 singles of the year.

You can listen to all 100 songs on the IMEEM player below.

For some songs, especially the lesser known ones, I also added links to download the song from Amazon DRM-free.

1. "Time To Pretend" - MGMT
   What's not to like about this song? The dirty fuzz perfectly complements those lyrics that mock my daily lifestyle: choking on vomit, shooting heroin, and divorcing models. Anthem of the year. Bonus points for being an American band, unlike the many Brits dominating this list.
   
   
2. "Live Your Life" - T.I. feat. Rihanna
   Why is T.I. dedicating this song to "all my soldiers over there in Iraq" and then singing about "fancy cars," which most Iraq War veterans clearly cannot afford? Most of the lyrics make no sense. What the hell is "the opposite of moderate"? Did he mean to say he's the opposite of "modest"? But I don't care. That monster hook is insane. I attribute 48% of the success of this song to Rihanna, 48% to Just Blaze, and 4% to T.I.
   
   
3. "Hometown Glory" - Adele
   
   
4. "A Milli (Remix)" - Lil Wayne feat. Jay-Z & Chris Brown
   Does Lil Wayne really think that a menstrual bleed is a venereal disease? The ubiquitous Weezy might be tougher than Nigerian hair, but I prefer Jay-Z's verse, which references Phil Collins, Barack Obama, and the Outlawz.
   
   
5. "Sometime Around Midnight" - The Airborne Toxic Event
   
   
6. "Mercy" - Duffy
   
   
7. "100 Yard Dash" - Raphael Saadiq
   
   
8. "Another Day (That Time Forgot)" - Neil Diamond feat. Natalie Maines
   
   
9. "American Boy" - Estelle feat. Kanye West
   
   
10. "Gray Or Blue" - Jaymay
    Best line from a song this year: "I can't keep staring at your mouth without wondering how it tastes." I'm predicting she's going to be a mainstay on VH1 in a year or two.
    
    
11. "Bread And Water" - Ryan Bingham
    I credit the Dixie Chicks' touring band for getting me turned on to the sound of the slide guitar. Alt-country singer Ryan Bingham makes great of use it in this monster song, complete with boot-stomping and hand-clapping.
    
    
12. "Squeeze Me (Original Mix)" - Kraak & Smaak
    Oh, the breaks. So tasty.
    
    
13. "Damaged" - Danity Kane
    I know I should be embarrassed for liking this song and putting it so high on this list. After all, the song uses auto-tuned nondescript vocalists (who were clearly sought more for their looks) + Puff Daddy pointlessly talking at the end of the song. But that hook eventually colonized my head and I've given up trying to hate it.
    
    
14. "Great DJ" - The Ting Tings
    
    
15. "Little Bit of Feel Good" - Jamie Lidell
    
    
16. "Pumpkin Soup" - Kate Nash
    
    
17. "Furr" - Blitzen Trapper
    
    
18. "Don't Touch Me (Remix)" - Busta Rhymes feat. Reek Da Villian, Spliff Star, Lil Wayne, Nas, The Game & Big Daddy Kane
    Big Daddy, Nasty Nas Escobar, and Lil' Weezy on the remix? Bonkers.
    
    
19. "Wow" - Kylie Minogue
    
    
20. "I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You" - Black Kids
    
    
21. "Numba 1 (Tide Is High)" - Kardinal Offishall feat. Rihanna
    The future of Hip Hop: Canada?
    
    
22. "Jai Ho" - AR Rahman, Sukhvinder Singh, Tanvi Shah & Mahalaxmi Iyer
    
    
23. "Love In This Club" - Usher feat. Young Jeezy
    In this song, Young Jeezy says "It's going down in Aisle 3 / I'll bag you like some groceries." What clubs now have numbered aisles? Or is he saying that he prefers to make love in the grocery store, instead of the club? I'll never hear "Clean up in aisle 3!" the same way.
    
    
24. "Crazy Ever After (Acoustic Version)" - The Rescues
    The most gorgeous harmonies of the year.
    
    
25. "Magic Doors" - Portishead
    More cowbell!
    
    
26. "Many Rivers to Cross (Idol Gives Back Performance)" - Annie Lennox
    
    
27. "Should Have Known" - Robyn
    
    
28. "Forever" - Chris Brown
    
    
29. "Valerie Plame" - The Decemberists
    
    
30. "Run To Your Grave" - The Mae Shi
    
    
31. "A&E" - Goldfrapp
    
    
32. "Pretty Please [Love Me]" - Estelle feat. Cee-Lo
    
    
33. "Playas Get Lonely" - R. Kelly
    This song lacks the usual R. Kelly lyrics that bring me in. There's nothing about exploring Uranus, buttering rolls, or midgets trapped in the closet. But it's an oddly honest midtempo number that reminds me that even R. Kelly can get lonely.
    
    
34. "Guess Who Batman (Get Wit the Brogram)" - Lily Allen
    
    
35. "Viva La Vida" - Coldplay
    Regardless of whether Coldplay intentionally ripped off Joe Satriani in writing this tune, the strings do it for me.
    
    
36. "Evil Urges" - My Morning Jacket
    
    
37. "Duet" - Rachael Yamagata with Ray LaMontagne
    
    
38. "Criminal" - The Roots feat. Truck North and Saigon
    
    
39. "Spiralling" - Keane
    
    
40. "Miss Invisible" - Marié Digby
    This appeals to the shy high school freshman in me.
    
    
41. "Gobbledigook" - Sigur Rós
    
    
42. "4 Minutes" - Madonna feat. Justin Timberlake and Timbaland
    
    
43. "Bring It On" - Goose
    
    
44. "Another Day" - Jamie Lidell
    
    
45. "Miss Independent" - Ne-Yo
    
    
46. "O... Saya" - AR Rahman & M.I.A.
    
    
47. "Circus" - Britney Spears
    Admit it. That bridge is catchy.
    
    
48. "Pork and Beans" - Weezer
    If I were judging based on music videos, this song would rank much higher.
    
    
49. "Ching-A-Ling" - Missy Elliot
    
    
50. "Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa" - Vampire Weekend
    
    
51. "Warwick Avenue" - Duffy
    
    
52. "Always Where I Need To Be" - The Kooks
    
    
53. "No Air (Acoustic)" - Jordin Sparks feat. Chris Brown
    
    
54. "Round A Pole" - Ani DiFranco
    
    
55. "Time For Some Action" - N*E*R*D
    
    
56. "Universal Mind Control" - Common feat. Pharrell
    
    
57. "Take Back The City" - Snow Patrol
    
    
58. "Scare Easy" - Mudcrutch
    Tom Petty in 2008!
    
    
59. "Green Light" - John Legend feat. Andre 3000
    
    
60. "Dawn Of The Dead" - Does It Offend You, Yeah?
    
    
61. "T.V. Land" - Vast Aire
    Big ups to Pandora.com, which introduced me to the only song to reference Parker Lewis Can't Lose, Cheese Nips, and I'm Gonna Git You Sucka.
    
    
62. "You Are The Best Thing" - Ray LaMontagne
    
    
63. "Single Ladies [Put A Ring On It]" - Beyonce
    
    
64. "Bring It On" - Leon Jean Marie
    
    
65. "It's Oh So Quiet" - Bell
    I'm usually reluctant to put covers on year-end lists, but this one offers something original. Bjork needs more crazy piano runs in her tunes.
    
    
66. "Gasoline" - Sheryl Crow
    
    
67. "Move" - Q-Tip
    
    
68. "Inner City Pressure" - Flight Of The Conchords
    
    
69. "Headphones" - I'm From Barcelona
    
    
70. "Action Figures" - The Cool Kids
    
    
71. "Electric Feel (Justice Remix)" - MGMT
    
    
72. "Human" - The Killers
    It's about time somebody started asking whether we're human or we're dancer. (WTF?)
    
    
73. "Handle Me" - Robyn
    
    
74. "2Coleen" - The Heavy
    
    
75. "High and Low" - Greg Laswell with the Edison String Section
    
    
76. "Untouched" - The Veronicas
    
    
77. "I Will Possess Your Heart" - Death Cab for Cutie
    
    
78. "Closer" - Ne-Yo
    
    
79. "Drivin' Down The Block (Remix)" - Kidz In The Hall feat. Pusha T, Bun B & The Cool Kids
    
    
80. "Anyone Who Had A Heart" - Shelby Lynne
    
    
81. "Baby" - LL Cool J feat. The-Dream
    
    
82. "I Don't Care" - Fall Out Boy
    
    
83. "A Brand New Song" - John Mellencamp
    John Mellencamp in 2008!
    
    
84. "Creator" - Santogold
    I happen to think Santogold is overrated, but Switch and Freq Nasty do some sick production here.
    
    
85. "Electro-Socket Blues" - Rogue Wave
    
    
86. "Winter Takes All" - Common Market
    
    
87. "Torch" - Alanis Morissette
    
    
88. "Take A Bow" - Rihanna
    
    
89. "Strange Times" - The Black Keys
    
    
90. "Shawty Get Loose" - Lil Mama feat. Chris Brown & T-Pain
    
    
91. "Woman" - Raheem DeVaughn
    
    
92. "Turf Drop" - E-40 ft. Lil Jon
    At last, there is a term now for the dance move I do where my butt scrapes the floor.
    
    
93. "All Summer Long" - Kid Rock
    When you remove the Skynyrd sample, there's not much left to this song. But when I hear this, sometimes I sing along and wish I could make love to that girl from Northern Michigan again.
    
    
94. "The 1" - Janet Jackson feat. Missy Elliot
    
    
95. "Nothing Ever Hurt Like You" - James Morrison
    
    
96. "No Sex For Ben" - The Rapture
    This tune doesn't rank among Timbaland's best producing efforts, but it's certainly one of The Rapture's best.
    
    
97. "Addicted To Drugs" - Kaiser Chiefs
    
    
98. "The Bomb" - Bitter:Sweet
    
    
99. "Get Buck In Here" - DJ Felli Fel feat. Diddy, Akon, Ludacris & Lil' Jon
    
    
100. "Ur So Gay" - Katy Perry
     

I've uploaded all 100 Mp3s to imeem for your listening pleasure:

--Junichi

PROP 8: THE MUSICAL

--Junichi

YOWZERS

--O.W.

HOW GOOD ARE YOU WITH BAD TV?

Reasons not to get TiVo

How much bad television did you watch in 2008?

Below, you'll find the titles of fifteen television shows and a brief description of each series.

Guess how many are actual television programs that aired this year and how many are fake shows that I just made up using my superior Balderdash skills.

1. OUTSIDERS INN - Bobby Brown, Wilson Phillips' Carnie Wilson, and The Brady Bunch's Maureen McCormick open a Bed & Breakfast Inn in Newport, Tennessee.


2. CURL GIRLS - This reality show chronicles six young lesbian surfers whose friendship becomes strained when they enter a surfing competition to win a trip to Hawaii.


3. SAMURAI GIRL - The life of a Japanese girl named Heaven takes an unexpected turn when the Yakuza infiltrates her family and she must begin training to be a samurai to fight back.


4. PRIVILEGED - An unemployed Yale grad decides to abandon a career in journalism to tutor two Palm Beach teen heiresses as she navigates the treacherous waters of high society in Palm Beach.


5. HOLE IN THE WALL - Game-show contestants have to contort their bodies to fit through different shapes in a moving wall.


6. FROM G'S TO GENTS - Fonzworth Bentley hosts a reality show in which 14 gangsters try to transform into sophisticated and refined gentlemen.


7. THE EX LIST - Based on an Israeli hit series, this show features a single, marriage-yearning woman who is told by a psychic that she's already met "the one" and starts re-dating her exes.


8. TESTEES - A scripted sit-com about two roommates who make a living as guinea pigs for a drug and product testing facility.


9. LUKE'S PARENTAL ADVISORY - This shows follows around 2 Live Crew's Luke Campbell as he raises his two children and runs his adult entertainment business.


10. BINGO AMERICA - A fast-paced, interactive game show in which players at home can download BINGO cards for a chance to win cash prizes.


11. LITTLE PEOPLE, BIG WORLD - A reality show about Matt and Amy Roloff - both little people - who have four children, three of average height and one who also suffers from dwarfism.


12. REAL CHANCE OF LOVE - A reality dating program featuring two brothers -- Real and Chance -- who were former contestants on the reality dating program I Love New York, which itself is a spin-off of the reality dating show Flavor of Love.


13. CRUSOE - Robinson Crusoe and his native pal Friday try to survive on an island plagued by cannibals and mutineers.


14. SCREAM QUEENS - Ten actresses vie for a break-out role in Saw VI by being put through an intense horror-acting boot camp.


15. D.L. HUGHLEY BREAKS THE NEWS - A comedy news show on CNN in which comedian D.L. Hughley discusses the news in a comic light.
    

Did you guess which ones are fake? The answer is in the comments.

--Junichi